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This explains so much... How many times have you woken up in the morning
after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the
pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer
Scooter!
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch
of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
- The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring "
begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many -contractors
detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter
scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the after
a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer
Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to responsible for over
90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), as skinned knees and a
sore spot on the top of your head. An undocumented feature of the Beer
Scooter is the destruction of time during the trip. The nature of
Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly
unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'what the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is
necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained
with discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences for the family man. Beer
Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and
Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way
that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake
up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into
every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance
System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to
invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This
explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a
single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

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You don't have to be drunk to not remember how you got home. Not long after I got married to the present wife, I got to where I couldn't stay awake. Sit down in a chair any time of the day and in 5 mins I was asleep. Try to drive somewhere and I'd be fighting to stay awake. I can remember getting to work (50 mile trip one way) and think, I don't ever remember going through town? I'd get awaken at a stop light by horns blowing, when the light would turn green and I'd be asleep. One morning, the wife told be I kept gasping for air during the night and then I'd cough and choke till I awoke my self. I'd go back to sleep and in maybe an hour do the same thing. Well, I went to a doctor and they had me spend the night in the hospital doing a sleep test. I was to sleep 4 hours as I normally do and then sleep 4 hours with a flow genertor. All the while they would be filming me while I slept and monitoring my blood pressure and oxygen level. Well, less than2 hours and I was awake and the guy monitoring me dsaid he'd seen enough and hooked me up to the flow generator. What it does is pump air into my lungs to keep the air way open. For the rest of the night I slep like a baby. The next day after leaving the hospital, I felt rested and better than I had felt in years.

The doctor said I suffer from Sleep Apnea. I now sleep at night with this machine pumping air into my lungs through my nose. No more snorring. I used to live on Tums for heart burn and acid reflux. Today I never need a single Tums. Eat anything I want.
 
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